On the way to school. Cruising gently along at 30mph on a busy school road with
children, pushchairs and dogs spilling onto the road and yet with all these hazards around,
you know - you just know that the White Van Man will rear his ugly head and try and
ram it up the arse of your car!
He's waiting for us...
My baby is alseep in the back of the car and my daughter strapped in tight but still
dancing with Saint Vitus as she waves at her friends and hollers their name from the window.
I can see him in my rear-view mirror...Racing up behind me..Slow down..
Nevermind that the brave and the daring and the just plain stupid ahead are being flashed by police cameras for exceeding the speed limit.
Traffic lights - Orange - I need to brake...
Nevermind that I can see the lollipop lady preparing her kids for the intrepid
journey from South to North across the road.
He is still up the arse-end of my car!
I'm gritting my teeth and trying not to react to the danger my young family is being placed in...
I can see you smoking your fag, and shoving your face with a bacon bap and tomato
sauce oozing out onto your chin and falling to your belly.
How your van ever passed its MOT will always fail me.
Ode to Mr White Van Man
Mr White Van Man
Shave your face and brush your teeth
Wash your pits right underneath
File your nails and brush your hair
and then groom your derriere.
Mr White Van Man
Leave your cigarettes at home,
your bacon bap and mobile phone.
Take a breath and a moment,
Are you going to be a gent?
Mr White Van Man
Pull out your van so gentily
From my rearview, smile at me,
Not too close now, give me space
This school run is not a race.
Thanks to all burger suppliers, garages, van leasing suppliers and others who helped the White Van Man evolve into such a creature.
From a fed up mum!
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